Online Relationship Counselling

1. Criticism. “You always..” or “You never..” is a common way of starting out on a criticism. When you criticise your partner you are saying that something is wrong with them. The outcome: most people respond to criticism by becoming defensive. This leads both partners to feel unheard and possibly even bad about themselves. The antidote: Make a direct complaint about something specific, don’t forget to ask for what you need and avoid general attacks on personality.

2. Contempt. This is by far the most serious of the four horsemen. It includes any verbal or nonverbal expression that puts one partner above/ or better than the other. Common forms of contempt include eye-rolling, sneering, name-calling and mocking. It eats away at fondness and admiration between two people and if left unchecked can be the undoing of the relationship. The antidote: lower your tolerance of contempt and with the help of couples counselling learn to foster an appreciation for each other. With help, you can learn to eliminate contemptuous communication.

3. Defensiveness. There are two common forms of defensiveness that often appear when someone perceives they are being attacked. One form is by counterattacking. “Yeah well what about the time you …” Sound familiar? The second form of defensiveness is to play the role of an innocent victim, often you can spot this when a whiney voice appears. Where does it lead… defensiveness prevents both parties from taking responsibility for their actions. The antidote: even if your partner is criticising, try to hear their complaint and take some responsibility for the relationship problem.

4. Stonewalling. When a partner withdraws or shutdowns from a conversation it is called stonewalling. It can look like not caring but that is often not the case, in fact, the stonewaller is often overwhelmed and is trying to calm him/herself down. This horseman is most likely male (80% of stonewallers are men) and unfortunately, women tend to interpret stonewalling as “not caring” and thus can create a vicious cycle of escalation where one person seeks answers and the other tries to escape. The antidote: taking a break when you notice yourself or your partner becoming emotionally overwhelmed.